I have been trying to sort out my mind, whether i should or shouldn't do this. But I guess if it's for my own benefit, because I've thinking about this ever since the day it started and it's starting to eat my mind up every single fucking day, I guess today's the right day and now's the right time. Please do remember that everything that I'm writing right now comes from the bottom of my heart, and I spent sleepless nights and sad days thinking about what I should say here. So here goes nothing.




Hello.
I'm guessing it's been awhile since we last talked, since we last kept in touch. Since the last message you sent me or the last time we went out. And it's good to know that you're still aware that I still exist.  Even if it's been awhile, I want you to know that I still care about you. And I've been thinking about how you are doing every single fucking day. I hope you're staying as happy as I last saw you because if you aren't then it's still my responsibility to keep you happy. You are my friend. You're still my responsibility.

But then I realized, Do you still consider me as your friend? or am I just another person who walked into your life, left a mark but became erased quickly? That's what I want to hear from you. I want you to tell me what I did wrong. Kasi napapagod ako kakahintay ng mga sagot galing sainyo. Tangina, Biro mo? Araw-araw tayong magkasama. Meron pang mga times na magkatabi tayo for christ's sake! Pero anong ginawa mo? Anong ginawa nyo? Plinastic nyo ko. After years of friendship, after all the years of happiness that I "purposely" gave to you, yun lang ba magagawa nyo sakin? Makipagplastikan? I know I'm not in the position to get mad at you. Because I know I did something wrong. Di naman kayo lalayo sakin ng walang dahilan. I know you too well,and I know you wouldn't do that. That's how much I know you. But heck, onting respeto naman. Onting respeto naman sa mga taong magkasama tayo. Onting respeto naman sa mga gabing magkakasama tayo.
I demand even the littlest respect because I treated you like family. And remember that families respect each other. No matter what.

I want you to know that I spent countless of sleepless nights, thinking about what I did wrong, thinking about what could happen next, thinking about the future of our friendship. But I didn't say this to you; until now because I wouldn't want you to think that I'm desperate for your attention. Lahat naman ng tao ganyan tingin sakin eh. Pero in reality, I am desperate for attention. Because I was never given attention in the first place. I felt wanted whenever I was with you. But when things began to change, I began to feel left out with you. I don't know if you're purposely doing it or I'm just thinking that I'm left out. But that really made me even more sad.

But even if you shut me out, and even if you didn't want to hang out with me anymore, I'd like to thank you. For all the memories we shared with each other. I may not say or show it to you directly but you made me happy. For countless times. Whenever I felt down, I turned to you and instantly, my day becomes brighter. That's how powerful our friendship is. Remember when we promised each other we would stick together till college? Or for life. I laugh whenever I remember those promises but then I realized, we couldn't "stick til' the end" because we couldn't work it out now. I mean, I'm hoping we still could but you know. May lamat na eh. Kahit pagdikitin mo yan, makikita at makikita parin yung lamat.

I'd like to say sorry for having hurt you. And because I hurt you, maybe that's one of the reasons why I lost you. I still regret doing what I did wrong because I didn't know the cost of doing it; I didn't know it meant losing you. Sobrang sakit para sakin mawalan ng mga taong parang tinuring ko na pamilya. You were like the sisters I never had. I'm so sorry for being so insensitive. I'm so sorry for nagging all the time and complaining to you, always. You wanted me to bring down my pride so here you go. I want to take off all my pride and apologize to you. But I guess you wouldn't accept my apologies anymore. Wala na nga kayong pakeelam sakin diba?

The worst part of all of this is, you kept shoving into my face that I wasn't your friend anymore. Your actions told me that you were happy without me and I felt like you were doing it on purpose. I still don't know why you're doing it but you're doing a really good job. You're doing a really good job at making me feel like shit whenever I see you. If you're not doing it on purpose please tell me ASAP. Maybe I just got the wrong idea about what you are doing. But I'd like you to know that it hurt me; seeing you happy without me. Because I did realize that you were unhappy when I was still part of your clique or when I was still your friend. And eventually I realized that I should've done a good job at becoming a nice friend.

At first, I felt really bad, seeing you hangout with other people without me. It made me rethink my actions and thought of what I did wrong but soon I realized that there was a reason why you left, besides the reason that I did something wrong. Maybe God was trying to tell me something. He was trying to tell me to keep away from "toxic" people because they make you think negatively. I want to let you know that I'm feeling way better. And I'm living a happy and better life now.

Don't worry, I'm not mad at you. I just think I deserve an explanation about what's going on between us. I have been saying this throughout my whole letter because I really do want one. I want closure. Else, I want to be friends with you again.

If ever you don't want to be friends again, it's fine. I'd still be there for you no matter what.

If ever you don't wanna talk ever again, it's also fine by me.

But please, don't forget all the memories that we built together. All the pain and happiness we've been through and all the places we've been to. Mas okay na sakin na kalimutan nyo ako personally but please don't forget about the memories and times I spent with you.

So I guess, hanggang dito nalang muna. I'm hoping I could talk to you soon and I hope you didn't get offended by the things I said right here. I just want to let you know what I'm feeling and what's inside my head. I need to let it out someday and I guess that "someday" is today.

You know why I chose today? It's because someone asked me why we weren't hanging around anymore. People actually asked me why I wasn't in your group photos. And I honestly don't know what to answer to them. So I guess it's about time you heard why.

P.S.

I'm okay and better. :-) I hope you are too. 

— Andeng